Subject: Halloween 8
Whassup, my man! How're things out there in Illinois? Still fixing up your trophy room? I just got back from La-La Land myself; the studio flew me out for a meet and greet with Freddy K. before we start shooting our new flick together. Did you know that he's shorter in person? I wanted to stop by Jamie Lee's place while I was out there and congratulate her on The Tailor of Panama (great film--you seen it yet?), but her rep told me she's in England. Too bad, I was looking forward to catching up and hearing about her cameo in your new movie.
Speaking of Halloween: Resurrection, I've got something personal to tell you, Mikey, slasher to slasher. It's tough for me to say this, since I basically owe my entire existence to you, but for your own good, I think it's time you called it quits. Now I know what you're thinking and I promise, this isn't a case of professional jealousy. Believe me, I realize that my last few pictures have been…well, terrible. Why do you think the studio is pairing me with that pizza-faced psycho? They know it's the only way for my next flick to break even! Listen, my credibility was shot when I let Corey Feldman kill me, but you, Michael, you still have a chance to get out of the game with an ounce of self-respect. You should see the way audiences perk up when they hear the Halloween theme. It's still chilling 24 years later! And you've managed to get some big names to appear in your past two movies: Josh Hartnett and Michelle Williams in H20, Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks here. Do you know who was in Jason X? No one! You may not attract De Niro and Pacino, but all I merit is a cameo from David Cronenberg.
What I'm trying to say, Michael, is that you've already made a huge impact on the film world, so don't ruin that legacy by churning out more sub-average horror movies. Besides, I can tell that your heart isn't in it anymore. Have you even seen your performance in Resurrection? You lumber around the set like a drunkard, slashing the air reluctantly with a butcher knife. It's the very opposite of scary, it's sad. Of course, a script like this one would drive anyone to drink. A bunch of college kids participate in an Internet webcast set in your house? Who comes up with this stuff? I could have told the writers that the whole Blair Witch/reality-TV thing is completely played out. And the direction! It's impossible to tell what's going on half the time because there are so many cuts. Man, I remember the good old days when the camera would stay in one position while you stabbed somebody. The kids back then were better screamers, too; I don't know what's going on with this new generation of actors, they're all so arch and ironic. It's no fun to slay somebody who already expects it!
Face it, my friend, your glory days are behind you. It's time for you to move on--go on a world tour, take up a hobby. And if moneybags producer Moustapha Akkad calls up asking you to do Halloween 9, just say no. It's time he found another franchise to ruin anyway (I hear Chucky's available). So take care and come visit me at Crystal Lake soon. I'm having the Leprechaun up here in August and he's a big fan, so maybe you could stop by? Let me know!
Your friend, Jason
Retired hit man seeks revenge on Russian mob in an above-average action film. More »
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